Once upon a time... Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer got writing credits for Scary Movie. Nevermind that they were credited as 5th and 6th on the list, they've been milking their Scary Movie involvement for nearly a decade with a long list of timely, yet tacky spoof movies such as: Epic Movie, Date Movie, Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie and now Vampires Suck. Grant they've actually pulled their socks up with this Twilight and vampire-inspired spoof in terms of production values and casting, but and this is a big but... they're still not funny.
The Zucker brothers, now they set the bar with Airplane! and The Naked Gun series. The Friedberg/Seltzer partnership... well, let's just say they're really good at the hoolah. Their timing is good... whenever a spate of lovable movies position themselves for ridicule, they're there to do the honours. So far, they've squeezed 300 with Meet the Spartans and now the Twilight phenomenon with Vampires Suck. Their latest spoof attempt is riddled with so-called "laugh-a-minute" material, but unfortunately it's just too lame, stupid or obvious to crack a smile.
Okay, maybe a semblance of a grimace at one or two points... but if you tally the attempts at humour and measure them against the laughs generated, you'd find a very sad statistic. One that makes every audience member wonder why they decided to see Vampires Suck and one, which also makes you wonder how these guys are still in the industry. The answer is "fresh toast"... these guys know that trends sell and will attract an audience even if the product's quality is dubious, questionable and even detestable.
There's an allure to these crappy spoof movies... one that's too strong for anyone to simply ignore or resist. You've got to see how people rip Twilight off in case there's one really classic laugh in a million, or to make sure they've done the spoof justice - they haven't. Throw in some lame pop culture references, some slapstick humour and you've got yourself a movie. Dracula would turn in his coffin at the sort of rubbish that's being served up in Vampires Suck. Frankly the only real vampire spoof out there must be Mel Brooks's Dracula: Dead and Loving It with Leslie Nielsen. That was stupid fun, but at least they actually took a minute or two to discuss whether anyone would laugh before committing to script.
Vampires Suck is a 1st draft spoof, the kind of movie that gets filmed, released and forgotten in weeks. There's no time to ponder, wonder or query... it's as good as writing the script while watching a paranormal romance marathon with the Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse movies on a Sunday afternoon. Anyone that watches this film could have written a funnier sketch, which is just testament to how stupid this spoof is. Juggling babies, beating up men in wheelchairs... may sound kind of funny, but roll by without a snigger in this film.
Please don't watch it. You may think there will be one or two moments of light relief, even if you're a Twilight fan. The truth is... there aren't. The only sweet relief you'll have... are getting up to take a leak or watching the credits roll to find out it's all over. Vampires Suck... but this movie sucks even more - you'll actually feel your life being sucked away. The Friedberg/Selter pairing may be trying to add some value and credibility in production values and casting... but it just goes to show, you need solid comic material... otherwise your spoof is as good as *poof*!
The bottom line: Pathetic.
